You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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