I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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