Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
