I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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