apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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