Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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