omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
