Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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