Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
