I just threw up on my dentist
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
