Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
