a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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