is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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