Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
