I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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