I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
