The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
