____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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