Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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