The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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