can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
