The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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