The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
