There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
