I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
