Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
