Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
