ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
