So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
