Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
