My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
