fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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