(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
