Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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