She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
