So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
