Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you will always have a special place in my vag
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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