i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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