Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
