The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
