But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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