Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
