My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
