I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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