My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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