Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
