That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I cut my penus on the lid.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Green mimosas i think yes
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
