did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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