Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize