kristin has been a bad kristin
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
