I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
