Sry I called you an 8
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
