New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize