just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize