its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
