this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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