Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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