i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
