I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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