Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
