I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
