I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
