You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
