They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
