I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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