I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
