Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
