i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
