So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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