Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
