Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
