i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
